Oprah*tology

For all (i.e. me) have fallen short . . .

2007-09-30T07:03:00.000-04:00

What a long, strange trip it’s been, this month of living by the commandments of Oprah.com.

The Times-Union, Jacksonville.com and I started this experiment based on the idea that one’s entire life could be lived by the advice offered by Oprah Winfrey’s all-encompassing Web site. The underlying question was, would I emerge on the other end of the experiment a better person – or, as O says, living my best life?

The conclusion is: In some areas, yes.

I’ve been doing a better job by and large keeping my spaces clean. I’ve been doing more yoga. I’ve learned how to make a delicious mixed drink (electric lemonade) and how to up the calm and down the stress.

But I have also fallen short of the glory of Oprah. I never learned to cook nor did I adopt many of Oprah’s beauty techniques (both of which were desperately needed).

Conclusion: Like any other religion, Oprahtology is easier said than done, easier striven than achieved. Like many a practitioner of other religions, this Oprahtologist has taken what he wanted and ignored the rest.

I’m grateful to everyone who’s read this blog and looked at the videos and pics. It’s been a lot of fun.

Jeff

Dealing with hangOvers

2007-09-29T08:38:00.000-04:00

Mom, dad – please don’t read this blog.

Because I am wondering: Does Oprah.com have a rec-O-mmended cure for hangovers?

Not that I need it for myself, mind you. No sirrrreeee. It’s just that my brother and GF and I went out on the town in the Music City last night.

Down in the smoke-filled honky-tonks on Broadway you see a lot of OTHER people who might need such advice. And I think some of them would be glad to know Oprahtology has plenty to say about hangovers, including:

* Drink a lot of water while drinking booze. (Does soda water count??)

* The alcohol you drink should be the color of water. (I’ve lived in places were the water was the color of the Jack Daniels I enjoyed last night, so I should be OK).

* If you wake up with a hangover, eat something – especially eggs.

I hope that advice is helpful to someone else other than me because it totally doesn't apply to me at all (hiccup). And I'd love to hear tried-and-true hangover cures from other Oprathologists. But I gotta run because my mom's rustlin up some eggs!

Jeff

O: Garanimals, Yes; Toughskins, No

2007-09-28T06:49:00.000-04:00

It really works, ya'll. The Oprahtology packing tips are magic. I packed last night and slept like an angel knowing I had properly packed everything I needed for my flight to Nashville today.

Here are some O’s packing commandments:

Select simple, neutral clothes. (Leave the burgundy and lime green Toughskins at home, folks )

Layout clothes by outfit. (A great case for bringing back Garanimals.)

Limit your shoes. (My guess: Imelda Marcos is NOT an Oprahtologist).

Don't overstuff your carry-on. (Bad news, Crazy Cat, you can’t come with).

Jeff

The O-racle speaks (about packing)

2007-09-27T07:49:00.000-04:00

It’s 24 hours before my trip to Nashville and I haven’t even thought about what to take. So I am freaking out about packing, as usual.

But then I consulted the O-racle, i.e., Oprah.com. Could Oprahtology help me with this persistent problem?

Check it out for yourself. Visit the site and type in “packing” and you’ll find a whole page about packing for trips. (Or you can just click here). It’s complete with a packing philosophy, check lists and tips.

I took a break between the first and second graph of this blog to get my brand new suitcase out of the closet.

After reading some of O’s packing tips, I can testify that I am already viewing that empty space with more clarity and logic. Also I just printed out the packing check list.

I’m headed to work this morning much relieved about the packing that lies ahead tonight (and with an even deeper crush on my new suitcase).

Jeff

2007-09-26T06:51:00.000-04:00

To say that I am in a hurry this morning would be an understatement. I’ve got to post this blog and then be at an assignment 30 minutes away by 8:30 a.m.

But am I worried? No. A month of Oprahtology at the very least has made me a better, more efficient operator in the a.m. Check it out:

Oprah says prep the coffee maker the night before. I went one step further. Yesterday AFTER BREAKFAST I prepared the coffee maker for this morning’s brew; all I had to do was hit the on button and the French vanilla is dripping.

She says to iron clothes the night before. A couple nights ago I got into a groove an ironed FOUR shirts, yo! So my pink and green pastel short-sleeve shirt is ready to go.

Most importantly, O commands that her disciples have thought out easy-to-prepare breakfasts. Like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter, I took Publix up on its 10 yogurts for $5 deal the other day, plus bought some bananas and a loaf of 3 gazillion-grain bread. As I write this I am enjoying a filling meal of yogurt, banana and toast.

And dudes here’s the best part: I just spied the clock and verily I say unto you: I think I got time for O’s recommend seven-minute yoga!

Please excuse me, I gotta get in some down-dog and warrior I before I head out the door.

Jeff

No more a Doubting Thomas

2007-09-25T07:14:00.000-04:00

OK did anyone read my Sunday posting, the one about coffee being like a miracle drink? You know, preventing Alzheimer's and making you regular at the same time and all?

Well, my faith in this Oprahtological claim waivered, I must admit, so much of it being seemingly unprovable.

But there was one claim that really drew my attention: That a couple cups of coffee before working out can reduce post-exercise soreness. "Caffeine blocks adenosine, the theory goes, which is a chemical linked to inflammation." Well, I've been going to the gym a lot lately so I figured I'd put this theory to the test.

So Monday morning before going to the Y I enjoyed some freshly brewed Dunkin Donuts French vanilla. Two cups, like O says. Then at the gym I lifted weights targeting my shoulders, which is a sure bet for ouchiness.

And guess what, the coffee apparently worked. In fact it wasn't until several hours later that I realized I wasn't sore. At all. Nor am I aching this morning, and I normally would be after doing shoulders. I am a Doubting Thomas no more. (See photo of really surprised me, above).

Encouraged, I think I will test my own theory: that drinking lots of coffee, and not brushing afterward, will attract the ladies. ;-)

Stay tuned.

Jeff

Oprah: Be Kind to Yourself

2007-09-24T08:00:00.000-04:00

All during this month of living the Oprah way I've been reading Oprah.com's "Thought of the Day" section. I've put off writing about these thoughts several times because they never seemed to apply to me.

Until today.

"There is something … women can do for themselves. It will not only help them look more youthful, it will help them be happier. Learn to speak to yourself with kindness and generosity. Women have this ongoing internal voice. They'll look in the mirror and say, 'Oh, you fat cow!' If someone walked up to you and said, 'Hi, you fat cow,' you would not accept that. So why would you accept that from yourself?" — Victoria Principal

Victoria Principal?! Yowza!

Despite the fact that this thought, like 90 percent of the rest of Oprah.com, is geared to women, I found this entry applicable and a benefit to read at the beginning of the day (especially on a Monday). It boils down to this:

Be kind to yourself.

It's an idea promoted in many religions, including Christianity and Buddhism -- and clearly by Oprahtology as well.

And given that Victoria Principal was one of my childhood heart throbs, I think I'll give it a shot today.

Jeff

The Gospel of Oprah . . .

2007-09-23T07:45:00.000-04:00

. . . i.e., the good news according to O.

It's summed up in this headline on Oprah.com: "The Latest Health Drink: Coffee."

Sorry folks, today's advertised topic of Oprah's thought of the day has to wait. Given that Oprahtologists are probably reading this with a cup-o-joe in hand, this subject is way more important than talking about O's thoughts of the day.

According to the O's coffee epistle, experts recommend we NOT kick the habit! Important points the article makes include:

* "Coffee is the number one source of antioxidants in the American diet . . . exceeding wine, chocolate, tea, fruits and vegetables."

* "Coffee contains a high level of soluble dietary fiber—more than other beverages like wine or orange juice."

* Coffee offers "protection against chronic liver disease—such as alcohol-related cirrhosis .... And food chemists have discovered a substance in coffee that may help ward off colon cancer."

* "You might even want to make a cup of joe your preworkout beverage: A small study published in March found that a dose of caffeine roughly equal to that in two cups of coffee reduced postexercise muscle soreness by nearly half. "

* Memory researchers have found that coffee increases short-term recall, the ability to focus attention and alertness. . . Java lovers may also gain protection from Alzheimer's and Parkinson's diseases."

OK so what I've learned from Oprah.com today is: Kids who won't eat their veggies should be given coffee instead; I should drink coffee to get regular (duh) and to help with hangovers (double duh); and that there could come a time when the smell of coffee (instead of Ben Gay) will waft through the air at the gym; and that coffee can help me be less of an airhead.

All of that is good news, indeed.

Jeff

2007-09-22T08:04:00.000-04:00

Tired of being lied to? Here are five lies Oprah says you'll never fall for again:

Lie No. 1: Eighty percent of your lifetime sun damage occurs before age 18.
Truth: Even in your 40s and 50s "You can still prevent sun-induced aging by getting serious about sunscreen," an expert said.
My take: At the beach I slather on the 800 SPF so thickly I look like a polar bear; no sun-induced aging for moi.

Lie No. 2: Sleep deprivation causes dark undereye circles.
Truth: Sleep deprivation can lead to many things—memory lapses and weight gain among them, but not dark circles.
My take: Great, another way to rationalize staying up too late every night.

Lie No. 3: Greasy food and chocolate cause breakouts.
Truth: The truth is that sushi and shellfish are the only foods that may exacerbate acne.
My take: Enough said. I'm on my way to Kilwin's by way of Hardee's.

Lie No. 4: Drinking lots of water hydrates the skin.
Truth: The moisture level in your skin is affected by environment and age.
My take: Someone forgot to lie to me about this in the first place.

Lie No. 5: Crossing your legs causes varicose veins.
Truth: Genetics, pregnancy, and spending long periods of time on your feet cause varicose veins.
My take: So what's my excuse now for wearing panty hose?

Jeff

Where the boys aren't . . .

2007-09-21T06:43:00.000-04:00

I was so excited about today's planned Oprah.com reading that I got up early.

I prepared my coffee maker the night before (as per Oprah's get-out-the-door-faster-and-stuff instructions), planned a quick, healthy breakfast (ditto) and set the alarm clock for 5:30. a.m. (photo above depicts alarm clock I WISH I had).

My goal was to read this promising subject: "What do you really want to do with your life?" I figured by 6 a.m. I'd have all the encouragement and direction I needed to move into a new exciting phase of my life. By 7 I'd post an blog so profound that I might be able to take the weekend off from my month-long Oprahtology self-improvement project.

WRONG-O.

When I clicked on the link I was quickly deflated. Here's the first thing I read: "What do you really want to do with your life? That's the question women have asked themselves at a point when their days were filled with same old, same old." It then provides a link reading, "Meet women who started over."

Dear Oprah: What about me? What about us guys?

The other day when I remarked to my GF that I find much of Oprah.com geared to women, she responded sarcastically. "Oprah.com is geared to women? Really?"

OK I deserved that. Duh.

But it seems to me that every once in a while, here and there, they could a) make some of the advice gender neutral and, on rare occasion, b) actually throw a bone to us boys.

All that said, what did the starting over section advise? I have no idea. I never got past the headline and intro graph. Where this topic is concerned, this boy is going to have to start over.

Jeff

Working miracles

2007-09-20T08:27:00.000-04:00

By and large I've found the advice on Oprah.com pretty useful. Not so much today. In fact I found the "5 best pieces of advice" to be quite underwhelming. Brace yourself, here's the list:

1) A little pain never hurt anybody.

2) Sunscreen is for necks and chests, not just faces.

3) Television is a vitamin.

4) It is good to be wrong.

5) You can work miracles.

My take:

1) Yes it has. Example: paper cuts.

2) No duh. everybody knows that.

3) And I thought my multivitamin was hard to swallow.

4) Then this list must be VERY good.

5) True. It may not be the parting of the Red Sea, but getting a blog out of this silly list is definitely a miracle.

Jeff

Oprah: Think Thin

2007-09-19T08:00:00.000-04:00

Anyone remember those late-night TV ads for weight-loss plans and devices that proclaimed NO EXERCISE needed to shed those unwanted pounds? They usually involved some kid of pill or sending electrical current into little patches glued to your beer gut or love handles or whatever.
Oprah.com has something better: Seven ways to THINK yourself thin.
Sign me up, O.
Actually what it amounts to is changing those “loops” of thinking people (including me) use to rationalize poor eating habits. Following are two or three examples from Oprah.com, plus what I’d probably say to myself in those situations.

Old loop: I ordered the grilled cheese, so why not get the fries, too?

Switch to: One treat at a time. I'm indulging in grilled cheese, so I'll trade the fries for a salad.

Me: Salad schmalad. Can I get chili and cheese on those fries?

Old loop: After that grueling workout, I deserve a bacon double cheeseburger.

Switch to: After busting my butt at the gym, my body deserves the VIP treatment.

Me: I’m rubbing Ben Gay into my butt after the gym, who has time for a cheeseburger??

Old loop: What's the point of losing weight during the winter? I'll get in shape come summer. Switch to: By eating more now, I'm creating a lot of extra work for myself when spring rolls around.
Me: It’s reversed in Florida: It’s too hot to exercise in summer, so I’ll wait till winter (2009).

Jeff

Giving Thanks to the O

2007-09-18T08:40:00.000-04:00

Let us all give thanks to Oprah. Let us count our many O blessings. Let us each and every day identify at least one bounty for which we are grateful to the Goddess of O.

OK, I’ll go first.

Dear O: Today I am grateful that you will have actress and former Playmate Jenny McCarthy on your television show today!
Known for her gross humor and as the hot girl who burps, Jenny has had an active career in modeling, television and movies.
The first time I saw Jenny was in the mid-1990s when she began hosting MTV’s Singled Out dating show. Of course her looks were awesome but what was so great about her was her sense of humor and personality. It was hard not to like her.
I lost track of her after she left that show and never saw her again until this morning, when I made my morning cyber pilgrimage to Oprah.com. She will be on The Oprah Winfrey Show today to share her ordeals caring for an autistic child.
I always knew there was something special about Jenny. Anyone who can cut up and make fun of herself like she can has something extra. Learning that’s she been going the extra mile for an autistic child simply confirms that.

Jeff

Goin' Crazy

2007-09-17T07:54:00.000-04:00

Just when you think you can stump Oprah.com . . . .

The other day a friend suggests I write about my cat, Crazy, since she's referred to so often and in so many pics here on the Oprahtology blog.

I said that's a great idea, but I don't think devoting a whole blog to the topic is appropo since The Goddess of O doesn't really talk about animals on her Web site, it being more about food and clothes and exercise and all.

WRONG-O.

The Mother of All Web Sites does indeed talk about pets -- quite extensively actually. It turns out (who woulda thunk it?) that Oprah is a huge dog lover, and there's an entire passage in her Soul Series (see, told you it's a religion) about animals. "Oprah has been a dog lover since she was a small child. 'The dogs feed my soul…I think there's no other feeling in the world like that,' she says."

Well, then I guess it's OK to talk about my kitty for a minit.

Her name is Crazy, she's about 4 years old. She's got that cool tortoise shell color and a nubby tail the vet thinks is natural. I adopted her from the Humane Society via PetsMart in January 2005, just a couple months after my giant orange tabby Smitty Kitty died of kidney failure.

She didn't come with the name Crazy; I named her that after observing her behavior for a few weeks (jumping, often unsuccessfully, from counter to table, from table to fridge, and just blazing around at full speed for no apparent reason). It's fun watching her miscalculate the hardwood floors and slide into door jams and chairs as she takes corners way too fast (who needs television when you have this kind of entertainment?)

She's got a constantly-cold nose and a leaky left eye, and despite her name, she's also very sweet. In fact I remember the workers at PetsMart being so sad to see her go that many of them came over to say goodbye to her as I carried her out of the store.

So that's Crazy, the cat who's always in the middle of everything (including this blog). Feel free to share your pet stories here; I can never get enough of that kind of stuff.

Jeff

Girlie Oprahtologist?

2007-09-16T07:43:00.001-04:00

Go ahead and laught if you want to. Make fun.

But I am not ashamed of the two dozen yellow daisies that adorn my kitchen table this morning.

Yep, a boy who likes flowers.

That's me.

They are beautiful. They are bright. In New Age terms, they vibrate high, positive energy throughout my a-p-t.

What's more, by purchasing these flowers yesterday I was living up to yet another commandment of Oprahtology: Upgrade your place without spending a lot of money.

The daisies set me back about $12 I think, and they do significantly brighten my dining nook.

Like many of the O discoveries I've made this month, my appreciation of flowers didn't begin with Oprah.com.

I've always loved flowers and having them around. It's just that surfing the site reminded me of flowers and how good they can make a room look and a person feel. (What I did learn is that my cat friend, Crazy, loves them too.)

So you can make fun if you want. A boy with flowers and all. But I'm vibrating way too high to care.

Now please excuse me while I finish my hazelnut coffee and continue painting my toe nails.

Jeff

Touch of Gray

2007-09-15T08:05:00.000-04:00

When I informed Times-Union editor Pat Yack on Friday that my O Goal today was to try Oprah.com’s hottest fall fashion color, gray, he scoffed. “You can’t wear gray, Brumley,” he said, “you’re not a gray man.”

I love nothing more than a challenge like that. I left work yesterday determined to prove that I, too, could wear what Oprahtologists apparently now call “Gray: The New ‘it’ color of style”!

I rushed home after work and started digging through my drawers. “Must . . . find . . . something . . . gray,” I thought, hurling shirts and pants and sock garters all over the place. “Must . . . find . . . new . . . ‘it’ . . . color . . . of . . . fall!”

I was becoming desperate. I was finding nothing gray. I cried out, "Sing to me O Muse! Whatever shall I do?"

And a voice came to me through the hum of my air conditioning unit; it was Jerry Garcia singing the words to one of my favorite Grateful Dead tunes, Touch of Gray:

Oh well a touch of grey

kinda suits you anyway,

Thats all I had to say,

but its all right, I will get by,

I will get by, I will get by

I will survive.

And just as the anxiety drifted away I remembered: I have these super sweet camouflage shorts that contain a touch of gray! I dug them out and put them on and, OMO (Oh my Oprah) I looked AND felt great!

Thanks Oprah! Thanks Jerry!

So fellow Disciples of the O, I say to you: Never give up in the face of adversity; don’t cave in when faced with overwhelming odds.

And most of all, never EVER believe those who tell you that you won’t look good in gray, the New It Color of Fall!

Jeff

Oprah (or someone), help!

2007-09-14T08:12:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the late post this morning. The problem is I've been crying.

Weeping bitterly.

Inconsolably.

Like a child who just scraped their knee AND had their lollypop stolen AND been punched by their older brother/sister in the back seat of a car on a long vacation trip.

Etc.

The reason is that when I arrived at work at little while ago I discovered that someone had come in over night and totally messed up my desk! (see pic above)

OK, really, it was me, and I apparently accomplished this mess over the past five or six days, letting one little piece of paper, one Diet Coke can, one cup of coffee with perfectly-round mold spores floating on top, accumlate one at a time.

"Dude, your desk's a mess. What would Oprah say?"

I heard that yesterday from coworker Melinda Kurtzo who likes to make fun of me because I am a slob and (I think) sees through this Changing-my-life-through-Oprah thing. Anyway she said that because I blogged a few posts ago about how Oprah's declutter challenge inspired me to clean the desk in the first place (see "Desk Declutteration" a few scrolls below).

And now the mess is back. Melinda also said her main criticism of all those organizational Web sites and books out there is that they never tell you how to STAY organized once you achieve organizedness.

So I do wonder, what would Oprah say? I have a feeling her answer might be something like, "Get filthy rich like me and hire a team of maids to do it for you." But until that happens, what do I do? Anybody?

Jeff

No Joke: A.M. Facials Work!

2007-09-13T07:37:00.000-04:00

In violation of the dictates of Oprahtology, this morning I awoke consumed by worry.

Not about the current US housing slump or a possible recession.

Not about Iran’s nuclear program or Russia’s new eco-friendly “dad of all bombs.”

No, I was worried about my skin.

Is it getting enough moisture? Is it getting too much moisture? Are its jowls getting loose (one mustn’t have loose jowls; they have a tendency to be promiscuous and can get into trouble at parties if unsupervised).

So I shot out of bed and fired up Oprah.com, where lo and behold – can you believe it? – there’s a whole realm of skin-care advice!

What caught my eye was an article entitled “Age-defying Facials.” One of the first sentences declares that a facial can change a person’s face and skin “in minutes.”

Encouraged, I dug under my bathroom sink for this three-year-old tube of Walgreen’s brand Natural English Clay Mud Pack Masque. I was delighted the promises contained thereon: “Helps relax tired facial muscles, tighten sagging skin and soften lines and wrinkles.”

I applied the mud liberally, as instructed, and soon felt it drying, tightening, reigning in those loose jowls. (It felt good; in fact the only thing that bothered me was knowing I sorta looked like Jack Nicholson as The Joker).

And just a few minutes ago I washed the mud off and, SHAZAM!, my skin is radiant and jowls are no longer loose!

Really, ya’ll, a simple, quick facial in the morning really will make your skin feel all alive and aglow, which can only help put a positive spin on your day. Plus, you don’t have to worry about your jowls getting loose and into trouble while you're at work and stuff.

Jeff

Oprah says: Get a Move On!

2007-09-12T07:15:00.000-04:00

Good morning Oprahtologists.

I'm in a bit of a hurry this morning so I am going to try Oprah.com's 12-step program for people who can never seem to get out the door in the mornings.

Here we go:

1) Pre-pack your kids' lunches and backpacks.

Umm, I don't have kids. So, either I can A) skip this step because it doesn't apply to me (which saves me tons-o-time) or B) rapidly procreate, raise the kids, enroll them in school, run to Target to buy backpacks and then to Publix for those little lunch-a-ble things. (That would put me at least a half hour behind sked, so I'll go with option A.)

2) Review your next day's schedule, and your kids' schedules, before bed. You'll sleep better—and dress better—if you know what's in store.

My schedule is easy to remember: Busy. I don't have kids, so I'll review my cat's schedule instead:

* 6 a.m. to 7 p.m., nap
* 7 p.m. to 8 p.m., slobber on toys and socks, tear holes in couch
* 8 p.m. to 10 p.m., meow like crazy demanding more food in already-full food bowl
* 11:30 p.m. scratch owner just as he's nodding off
* 3 a.m., knock over the ironing board
* 3:01 a.m. to 4 a.m., get frightened by noise from falling ironing board and run around making more noise
* repeat for 10 years

3) Have the coffee machine prepared so that all you have to do is press "on." Or make a pitcher of iced coffee ahead of time. Keep a to-go cup handy so you can take your coffee out the door.

Seriously, this IS a good idea -- and how refreshing to have a step where I don't have produce a litter of children or examine my cat's Day Planner again!

4) Prearrange your clothes, ironing anything that needs it. When possible, buy wrinkle-free.

I have an ironing board, but that's really just a big kitty toy. NEXT . . .

5) Coordinate the bathroom schedules of the people you live with.

OK, I am a 43-year-old bachelor who has a cat. Between that and the fact that I finally broke down and bought the kitty a litter box, there isn't too much bathroom coordinating necessary. More time saved!

6) Have a lineup of several routine breakfasts, with at least one being portable.

Excellente! Now this really speaks to me. I am often late or running behind because I insist on making some huge breakfast spread every morning, no matter how late I awaken . . . (or is it "awake"? Or are both of those choices wrong? Oh, forget it) . . . when I wake up.

7) Keep your makeup case organized, and minimal, with your everyday things most accessible. Have two different makeup routines—one normal, one makeup "lite" for really rushed days.

I meet the standards on this one. My makeup case is definitely "minimal." It's contents include: one stick of deodorant so worn down that it scratches my skin but that's OK because its aroma is still detectable by blood hounds; some left-over hair product from my years wearing my Willie Wonka-esque mullet (see photo above); and . . . oh, that's all.

8) If you tend to linger too long when you read the newspaper or take a shower, set a timer.

Now wait just a garn-dern minute, Lady! I work at a newspaper, and I REFUSE to set a timer on the enjoyment of such an important part of my morning routine. (I hope my editors read this part).

9) Get a low-maintenance hair cut.

Mission accomplished.

10) Prepack your briefcase and/or purse.

OK, let's see:

Umbrella, check.
Notebooks and pens, check.
Camera, check.
High heels to put on once I get to the office, check.

11) Keep your cell phone in its charger, right on top of your briefcase or purse.

I'm getting sick and tired of this "briefcase or purse" stuff. A) who uses briefcases any more? Just rich lawyer dudes who have servants who can do all these steps for them in the first place and B) I resent the implication that the (very manly) messenger bag I carry is a purse (though there is nothing wrong with a man purse, as my coworker Tim Gibbons so righteously demonstrates every day.)

and finally. . .

12) Morning is no time to be industrious. If you're hit by the urge to wash a few dishes, pay a few bills, or clean up old e-mail and mail—fight it!

Listen, Sister, if I am hit by the urge to wash dishes you better let me do it because that only happens once every seven years and it requires a trip to Vulcan to do it! (Vague Star Trek reference; sorry, people under 40).

Dear Oprahtologists -- if you have tried and true tips for getting out the door every morning, let me know via e-mail (jeff.brumley@jacksonville.com) or by posting a comment here. I gotta go now because the cat FINALLY got out of the shower and it's my turn to use the bathroom.

Jeff

PopeRah

2007-09-11T08:12:00.000-04:00

The moment I watched David Letterman kiss Oprah's hand during her season premier on Monday, the word popped into my head:

PopeRah.

Letterman's kissing of PopeRah's ring -- after years of making fun of her -- also confirmed my conviction that she's attained the rank and role of a deity in American culture.

And the fact is I am not the first person to consider this notion. Google "Oprah, religion" and you'll have hours of reading on the subject, including:

* A review of a book, The Gospel According to Oprah, showing that confession and repentance are key concepts in Oprahtology. Oprah's guests "are routinely encouraged to confess their wrongdoing, claim their promise, and move into a new phase of their lives, empowered and encouraged by Oprah and the experience of sharing their inner lives with millions of television viewers."

* And an April Fools Day Beliefnet.com article with the headline, "Oprah Named Fourth Person of Trinity."

After the screaming ovation Oprah got from her disciples in the audience yesterday, I wouldn't doubt it.

Jeff

Oprahtology's Ten Commandments

2007-09-10T06:32:00.000-04:00

Well, fellow Oprahtologists, today is Day 10 of my 30-day experiment in living life according Oprah.com, or what we at The Florida Times-Union are calling Oprahtology. In 10 days I've uncovered ten commandments of Oprahtology:

* Thou shalt not have clutter. It is an abomination in Oprah's eyes.
* Thou shalt divide and conquer thine chores. When it comes to cleaning or any other chores, pick one area/activity and just do it. It keeps you from getting overwhelmed and procrastinating.
* Thou shalt not worry about stuff at night. Schedule your worry, i.e., planning time, during the day, so that it's off your mind by bedtime.
* Thou shalt exercise sensibly. Walking really IS good exercise and can provide the motivation to increase your workout. Also, try yoga; even for just a few minutes a day it will produce results.
* Thou shalt borrow or buy Oprah's suggested books. That's because any book Oprah endorses fly off library shelves instantly. Click HERE to see my video, "Jeff's Search for Middlesex," which shows me learning that lesson the hard way.
* Thou shalt prepare fun, flavorful, healthy meals. Oprah.com offers all kinds of recipes, from simple to gourmet. It also has sensible meal and diet plans.
* Thou shalt be style conscious and dress well, but not necessarily sacrificing an arm and a leg at the altar of fashion.
* Thou shalt commune with other Oprahtologists. There are message boards, and "O Groups."
* Thou shalt know what's going on in the world. There's even a "World" section on Oprah.com that features news on global issues, the environment, people and politics.
* Thou shalt be smart about thine money and educated on fiscal matters (so you can spend it on more Oprah-related stuff).

Anything that offers you a complete plan for living and knowing the world, that's a religion folks. We'll see if anything I learn and do over the next 20 days disproves that theory.

Jeff

Full-immersion Oprahtology

2007-09-09T08:28:00.000-04:00

Wow, what a day Saturday was. It was a full-immersion baptism into Oprahtology.

I took Oprah.com's clutter challenge -- again -- and this time tackling my dining area (the cat loves being able to sit on the kitchen table again) and my bathroom (I have this huge sense of relief knowing I won't be brushing my teeth with hair product or rubbing tooth paste into my dry skin).

I continued doing the seven-minute yoga workout, and even went a little free style and added one of my favorite poses, tree. Stress took a back seat to serenity.

But the new ground I broke was adopting Oprahtology's walking plan. I went into this activity with some skepticism. I'm usually a running, cycling or strength training guy (when I can find the motivation). Going in I wondered, could walking give me that "ouchie, I got a good workout" feeling?

Ask and ye shall receive!

I estimate I walked three miles (the first mile with my GF's dog) at a pretty stiff pace and felt terrific afterward. What's more, I still feel it this morning. I can see now that walking will be great for kick-starting my exercise life whenever I fall into inactivity.

Hey folks, tune in to WJXT Channel 4 at 8 a.m. Monday. I'll be on the station's morning show talking about Oprahtology.

Jeff

Middlesex on the brain

2007-09-08T08:04:00.000-04:00

OK so today's Florida Times-Union says I am going to be blogging about the Daily Thoughts section at Oprah.com.

Later.

I've got much more important news to relay: When Oprah recommends a book, it disappears off library shelves. That book right now is Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides.

Up and down, far and wide through the Jacksonville Public Library I went searching for this holy grail of novels. What I found on my pilgrimage was two copies -- one in German, one in Italian -- and that all English versions were checked out AND had holds placed on them. (Click HERE to see a video of my desperate search for Middlesex on Jacksonville.com).

Geez Louise, Oprah!

What's an Oprahtologist to do? Well, not wanting to be seen loitering around the Oprah table at some book store, I drove across town and borrowed one from co-worker Rachel Davis (thanks Rachey -- hope you're not PO'd when it comes back with scratches and kitty spit all over it).

YOU on the other hand, might have to go even further -- to Chile or even China -- to find Middlesex if you don't get started.

(Come to think of it, scratch the People's Republic; the novel may be even harder to find in China if it's been recalled due to lead ink or for having parts that can be swallowed by children or something).

Jeff

F-I-N-A-L-L-Y

2007-09-07T07:33:00.000-04:00

Finally I took the declutter challenge at Oprah.com.

This has been an Oprahtology ritual I have promised to do since the beginning, but avoided. My messy place was just too overwhelming and I didn't know where to start.

But then I was reading through the clutter section of the Web site last night and saw this line of text: "Pick a room."

Pick a room? Oprah, do you mean I don't have to do the whole place at once?

Empowered, I zeroed in on my living room and went to town. I threw away days of newspapers junk mail. I put computer and messenger bags away. I moved a spit-covered kitty toy off the coffee table, put away the TV remotes and then dusted.

I remember being impressed with myself last night, but my reaction upon seeing this decluttered space this morning was one of elation. (The cat loves it too and has suggested I change out the litter; she bit me on the ankle just now to tell me this).

To celebrate (the cleaning, not the cat bite), I might just do some yoga in here this morning!

Ohmmm-prah

2007-09-06T09:05:00.000-04:00

Awaking to a case of the blahs this morning, I turned to Oprah.com curious to see if the all-encompassing Web site had any advice for me in shaking the blues.

So I clicked on the Mind and Body tab (my favorite so far during this month-long Oprahtology experiment) and what I saw this headline:

"The Benefits of Yoga."

I've been practicing yoga off and one for years -- and lately my practice has been way off -- as in non-existent. Lately I've just felt so busy that I haven't taken the time.

But Oprah had the answer to that, too. Under the Yoga heading was a sentence about a seven-minute sun salutation routine.

Seven minutes? I knew I could carve that out. So dug my yoga mat out of the closet, cleared a nice space in the living room and began the sun salutations routine, which also is one of my favorites. (Click HERE to see the postures).

Afterward -- OMO (Oh My Oprah) I felt so good. Yes, there were some physical benefits from practicing, but the biggest lift was mental; I fel like I had just replaced a long period of inactivity with one that will be much more healthy.

Cuttin' Zzzzz's with Oprah

2007-09-05T08:10:00.000-04:00

When I finally got home from teaching last night I was so keyed up I couldn't sleep. (See pic @ right for keyed up look). I tried a number of tricks to unwind for bed (reading a phone book, watching Charlie Rose, listening to the whale song podcast I downloaded from iTunes) but nothing worked.

In my desperation I turned to Oprah.com. Would it have advice on how to get a good night's sleep?

Ask and ye shall receive!

Under the Mind and Body section I found this headline: "A Good Night's Sleep." Here are some of Oprah's suggestions:

* Two hours before bedtime, get some exercise by walking up and down the stairs and through the hallways of your mansion.

* Pull the crimson velvet rope hanging over your bed to summon a maid; order her to bring you a warm glass of milk. Then yell at her and make her cry. If you can't sleep after that you're really messed up.

* Order Stedman to stand at the foot of your bed to read your earnings reports aloud. If that doesn't work, make him do impressions, act like a chicken, do jumping jacks or all of the above till you nod off.

OK, I made those up.

But Oprah.com says to exercise regularly, cut out the caffeine, avoid TV, and to avoid booze before bed. But my fav was this one: "Set aside 'worry time' earlier in the day. Don't wait until you turn off the light to put together your to-do list."

And it worked! I put off worrying about all the stuff I had to the next day (today) and slept like a baby.

Of course now I have a bunch of stuff to worry about now, so I think I'll take the morning off and hang out at Starbucks where I can enjoy all my concerns over coffee.

Jeff

Oprah: Multitasking Bad for Brain Cells

2007-09-04T08:19:00.000-04:00

Monday didn’t turn out quite like I though it would. Rather than a productive morning taking Oprah’s declutter challenge, I had a busy day away from home. I met a friend at a restaurant for breakfast. The afternoon was spent at the mall hunting for Labor Day sales. That segued into a holiday BBQ with friends. Then I accidentally went to a pool hall in the evening where I won two out of three games while throwing back some cold ones and listening to sweet heavy metal on the juke box.

When I finally returned to my a-p-t at 11 p.m., my cat just gave me this pathetic look that said "yeah, like you're ever gonna clean this place." After bribing her with treats, I prayed, “Oprah, I promise I’ll clean this place . . . later.”

But first things first. I’m returning to work today and I’m a little stressed about it. Like most other companies, newspapers are doing more with less staff. So I’ve got a full plate awaiting me in the newsroom today. On top of that, I’ve started teaching at a local university this semester, and the class is after work this evening.

“Oprah, help!”

Oprah.com responded by directing me to the site’s Spirit and Self section with this link: “Seven things you can stop worrying about right now!”

Honestly, some of the seven things didn’t really resonate with me, such as “I worry that my husband will cheat on me and I won't be able to forgive him. And I'm not even married yet!”

Okaaaay.

But this one was right on target: “I don't think I'll ever swim out from under the pile of work I have at the office!”

OMG Oprah reads minds! Here’s the advice someone named Julie Morgenstern gives for that worry:

“You're right. The reality is that you'll never get to the bottom of your to-do list. The way our work world has evolved, it isn't humanly possible anymore. It's not just information overload; it's opportunity overload—there are always a million things to do. And please, forget multitasking. It doesn't increase efficiency at all, and it taxes brain cells in the frontal cortex, which has a terrible impact on performance.”

Hey, anyone who tells me to stop multitasking is a friend of mine! (Besides, after last night’s pool hall visit, how many brain cells do I have left to tax, anyway?)

I feel more relaxed already.

Jeff

Lovin' the Lemonade

2007-09-03T07:58:00.000-04:00

Oprah's Electric Lemonade was a smash hit at the dinner gathering I attended at my GF's place on Sunday!

Now first let me say that the batch that I made was a little tart, what with a the real, hand-squeezed lemon juice I had put into it. So we added some powdered sugar, a little more vodka and sparkling water and presto, it was just right! One of the GF's relatives in particular commented several times how yummie it was.

So for that project I must give myself a pat on the back and a big thank you to Oprah.com for enabling me to go to a party with something different and delicious to contribute (usually I'd just show up with a six pack of Schlitz). Anyway, I've included the lemonade recipe at the bottom of this posting.

What didn't go over so well was the dish I wanted to prepare: Heirloom Tomatoes with Lemon Tahini (like the lemonade, I found the recipe in the Food and Home section of Oprah.com). The problem was I couldn't find the tahini -- sesame seed paste -- at the two closest grocery stores. It was getting late in the day Sunday and I had to abandon that plan.

But there will be more cooking/meal prepation comng on this blog. This morning I've been looking through the "Quick and Easy Recipes" tab and have seen several I think are very doable.

In the meantime, if anyone knows where I can get tahini, post a comment here and let me know. Also I am wondering if anyone has a recipe for other kinds of fruit drinks (especially including grapefruit, my favorite).

All this talk of food has got me hungry, so I think I'll head to the Waffle House for a Labor Day breakfast with a friend (hmmm, wonder what Oprah would say about that?). Check in tomorrow to see how my Oprah-inspired decluttering project is going.

Jeff

Art Smith's Electric Lemonade from Oprah.com

INGREDIENTS

* 2 cups of sugar
* 2 cups of water
* 1 cup fresh lemon juice
* 1 large ming sprig, finely chopped, plus sprigs for garnish
* 8 ounces lemon-flavored vodka
* splash of sparkling water
* 1 tablespoon freshly grated lemon zest for garnish

Mix the sugar and water in a small pot and boil for 3 minutes to make a simple syrup. Let cool.
In medium bowl, stir together 1 cup syrup (leftover syrup can be refrigerated indefinitely), the lemon juice and the chopped mint. Pour mixture into ice-cube tray and freeze for one hour.
In a blender, blend together frozen cubes, sparkling water, chopped mint and vodka.
Pour into chilled glasses. Garnish with mint sprigs and lemon zest.

Desk Declutteration

2007-09-02T09:03:00.000-04:00

One of the first sections of Oprah.com that caught my eye was the tab that said, “Living in a mess? Take the Clutter Challenge!”

First off, it’s one of THE most quasi-religious sections of the site in the sense that faith has always been about creating order out of chaos. Check out this line from the Clutter Challenge intro:

“Take this Clutter Challenge and declutter your home for your best life. Start living the life you've imagined of in the space of your dreams today!”

Dang. Best life? Living dreams? I can get all of that just by picking up my socks off the floor and putting them in the hamper?

If so, I figured I could convert to Oprahtology (for a month, anyway). So I sent a quick prayer Orpah’s way: “Dude, that’s me! Help.”

Once I clicked into the section, though, I found it to be a little overwhelming. Creating a vision, five steps, room raiding, etc. So I thought I’d start with my desk at work, especially since I had to work Saturday night.

I created my vision (a clean desk), gathered my cleaning materials and got to work. An hour spent throwing stuff away, dusting, scouring and wiping. And lo, I saw that it was good.

Sitting at my desk went from being instantly stressful to an ecstatic, blissful experience. OK, that’s going a little far. But it was much more pleasant and I am definitely inspired to try the same thing at home now. That’s Monday.

But check in Sunday as I turn to my first Oprah-inspired food and beverage project: making electric lemonade and heirloom tomatoes with lemon tahini.

Jeff

The Genesis of "Oprah*tology"

2007-09-01T05:36:00.000-04:00

OK so here’s how this Oprah*tology idea began.

On a whim, call it inspiration, I checked out Oprah.com while at work one day. I was blown away at the comprehensiveness of the site. As a religion writer, the first thing that popped into my head was, “holy cow, Oprah.com is a like a spiritual path.” I figured that makes Oprah the spiritual leader, the guru, for millions of people.

I made that comment to one of my colleagues, writer Matt Galnor. And I added, “You could live your ENTIRE LIFE just by this Web site if you wanted to.”

His response was something like: “Dude, you should do that for a month and write about it.”
So here we are, me writing about living Oprah Way, you reading about it. (If you like the idea, thank me for following through with it; if you find it annoying, blame Galnor.)

It's a simple concept. Oprah.com will guide some aspect of my life – food, exercise, diet, etc. -- every day for the next month. I’ll write about it here, take some pictures and shoot some video to document my progress or lack thereof.

I suggest you to go check out Oprah.com for yourself. You’ll be amazed – and maybe even converted. I also urge you to post comments and suggestions here. If you’re already an Oprahtologist, or if you’ve tried different diets or organizing systems, write it up, post it here.

Today, btw, I am going to focus on cleaning up my desk at work. OMG it’s a horrible mess. I’m also going to be making my shopping list for my Sunday morning visit to the farmer’s market, where I'll be gathering items for the Oprah-inspired holiday food and beverages.
Stay tuned and chime in.

Jeff

Oprahtology

2007-08-31T16:35:00.000-04:00

Join Jeff Brumley as he lives the lifestyle Oprah suggests.